Time for a bit of a rant[well sorta]

Hey,

it's been a while since my last update, back in November, lots of time has past and I can't say anything is getting much better. At All.

Okay where to start... School first, well exams are over with and I think I might have done better in History this time Thank goodness, and my English Coursework has been done for a few weeks now, although my teacher never went through it with me [like she did with everyone else] nor did she hand it back to change, so feeling a little worried about that, but I'm keeping calm. I'm pretty sure she'd tell me if it sucked horribly. Exam results are back on Thursday but I didn't feel like holding this off a couple of more days, or my best friend might get an earful when she finally gets her butt online. [more on that later]. Continuing about tech/school [w/e you want to call it]. I went through two courses one recommended, the other I had to do. The first was supposed to improve motivation and confidence, which was going fine for a few days then that went back down the tube, I should be working on somethings alone and I will once I get my ass into gear. Both courses were 9am-2pm the first was Tue-Thur and the second was a Mon-Fri. Unfortunately what I discovered from both of those courses was, I totally was not fit for a 9am-2pm day, and spent the time I wasn't in class sleeping on the sofa after falling asleep watching TV, followed by generally early nights. So if that doesn't get sorted, I'm starting to doubt managing University, which sucks. a lot.

Next topic... Best friend, right firstly she came home at Christmas and I didn't see her. Seriously. Not her fault, and I don't blame her, but that doesn't make me any less pissed about it. Next we had planned to go to a concert which should have been last Saturday. First problem we had - Concert got cancelled, nothing any of us could do, but we had then promised to meet up anyway, and have fun in London [remember I live across the sea in N.I.] I had finally been able to get psyched for going on the couch over night on my own, and BAM best friend has no money to go to London. We're not meeting up until Easter. If I don't see her over Easter, there will be hell to pay x.x;

So my best friend is basically out of commission until she's off for Easter, due to her heavy work load and not replying to me when I text or message her [if you're reading this, I seriously apologise for acting stupidly clingy and sending way to many texts and messages, but if you replied once I'd stop.] So I've had basically no one to talk to, I mean every now and then I get lucky and someone is on, but I feel bad ranting to them so I don't bother I just talk a little then frown and stare at my laptop.

Okay finally on the main topic, the part I'm most frustrated about at the moment. It started with the first 9am-2pm course I took, the teacher for it suggested I found a Japanese friend to practice my Japanese with, [she originally suggest I ask the college if they had any Japanese students and to tell me where they were... Because that's totally not weird.] anyway I told my best friend and we decided to go online and hunt for some Japanese pen-pals  and I stumbled across a website I liked and I looked through various ads. Finally finding one that wasn't overly creepy [some of them were REALLY bad xD] he had his facebook address attached but I read through his ad first [naturally] and he seemed really cool, he was only a few years older then me so I figured it probably wouldn't be too scary or nerve-racking. Then I looked at his Facebook account and I'm sorry to say that sold it. This guy was seriously good looking. I really hate having to say this, but I probably feel in love with his appearance, I mean I liked what I knew about him from the ad! But damn, this guy was hot. Anyway it took me about a week to finally build up my courage [I'm a shy person I can't help it] to send him a message using the website [thanks to the help of my best friend] Anyway I never heard back. At all. And so I sat wondering if I should message him on fb and add him as a friend, like it said to do on the ad [he said he was on there more] anyway I decided to just sit back and wait, and wait for a reply, which never came. Finally I got some courage and started to think about adding him on fb, I was waiting for my Best Friend to get online to cheer me on like last time, but that didn't happen. Until over the weekend I finally decided to, with my best friend texting me telling me to do it. So I did. When I woke up the next morning he had accepted my friend request, [but apparently hadn't even seen the message, according to facebook at least] So since I was up early for class, and now super hyper and excited because he had accepted it, I mean the butterflies literally lasted all day, I sat up glued to my phone looking through his facebook posts wanting to learn more about the guy I had a crush on.

Yeah, turns out he had a lot of friends who are girls, I'm pretty sure at least half of his friend's list is my competition and I don't stand a chance. The worst part is I can really feel myself getting overly bitchy in my head, I watched and episode of Rizzoli and Isles the other day with a woman who strongly believed the victim stole her boyfriend and she wasn't even going out with him, I'm totally having moments when I think "oh my god I'm that woman for Rizzoli and Isles, damn I need to get my head together!" It's not that bad yet, but I fear for the worst. [note she didn't kill the victim she just stole the cake... yeah she's a little crazy]

Anyway, after reading his posts [and trying not to look at the mass of topless photos he has T__T] I pretty much even more cemented the fact that I like him, or at least I probably do, let's not question it right now or it's really going to make me go loco.

My biggest issue right now is the message he didn't read, it told him I added him after reading his ad and replying to it. I replied to it in way that wanted him to reply back, so I kind of expected something back. So he hasn't directly spoken to me yet, which is affecting my paranoia, and now I'm pretty sure he'll never actually message me. I don't want to message him since I'm pretty much terrified of what'll happen, like maybe he'll hate me, and maybe he'll just ignore it, forever. So yeah, I'm in love with a guy who barely knows I exist. Fantastic. Another lovely romance to add to my list. Seriously why does this keep happening? I'd much, much rather it if I just liked guys who liked me. First Dante, then Alex, then Bakura [I'm not even sure about this but he's added for that reason], then Adam [I didn't bring this up yet x.x;] and now Ayu. Seriously, can we just stop this already? I'm getting real tired of falling in love with guys who I don't know offline and my offline friends falling in love with me then having our friendship killed.

FYI, Adam is an offline friend I've known for a long time, he was like twelve when we first met, he's about four years younger than me [roughly], anyway between sending Ayu a message via the website to deciding to send one on FB, he confessed to me. I don't have romantic feelings for him, and I guess Ayu kinda sorta helped me tell him I wasn't interested in him that way.

Right I'm off to mope and drink my coffee before getting some sleep and seeing if I can catch Ayu online. [I'm that desperate x.x;] I will make a quick update on Thursday when I get my results.

CrymsenRose~

University sucks?

I struggled a little coming up with the title ah to clear it up, no I didn't get to uni so I'm not being ungrateful and hating it after I was so desperate to get in.

Apparently not that desperate, although I'd say that I am now, and I have 2 years to wait x.x I'll be on my first year when my best friend is on her last year, and that's providing I don't screw this up!

I'm currently studying English AS, and History A2[Again] although I'm answering a different question in History so I was feeling pretty optimistic, it helps that English is going reasonably well thus far. Although I recently hit a hitch with my History so naturally I'm feeling discouraged and down in the dumps, and family do not help with that one bit. x.x They never seem to realise I do actually feel bad when they say mean thinks, joking or not, it's not fun.

I'm still working on my Japanese [did I say that before? I don't know haha] On my step four this year, it's hard, like really hard. I'm starting to feel de-motivated for it as well to be honest. Whenever I try to do something and it gets tough it's like something in my head just tells me I can't do it and I should just not even bother. I've been feeling it a lot with university as well, I'm pretty much losing faith in my own abilities, I mean the amount of Es I managed to get even though I felt like I really tried and did well, and if History goes badly again I might just scrap it once I manage a B in it, and never touch it again, it's enough to traumatise someone!

Ah anyway enough about school! Time for talking about the title!

My best friend is at university, both having fun with her new friends and working her butt off because there's so much to do, so guess who hasn't been able to talk to her? Yup lil ol' me who's on the other side of the water from her, I mean it's not her fault, but it sucks and I hate it because I'm being all bratty and stupid and I'm worried I'm bothering her x.x; It would be so much easier if I wasn't forced to just speak to her online. Mostly because I'm sure it'll all be good and fine when I see her in December but right now, when we can barely talk. It's annoying and it makes me annoying. and I hate it.  I remember how paranoid I was last year x.x; If it's going to be like this all the time, then I can only assume it's going to get worse, one year after the other. I bet even if we're at uni together she'll still be too busy for me! Since she'll be on her final year x.x Yup it sucks, university definitely sucks. I still really want to go though haha

Last topic of discussion. My good online friend whom I mentioned last time. Well I got a little out of him about a month ago, although it was just to let me know he was alright, and that he was busy with work but that he thought he'd have time to be online soon. Two guesses who hasn't been online since. But it's fine, at least I know he's okay, or at least I know he doesn't want to tell me more than that. I reached out to him over halloween but got nothing which is disapointing as I could have stayed up to talk to him! Silly Americans, they always pick the worst time to get on! Haha.

Anyway that's all for this time. Thanks for listening. Sorry if I sound gloomy, I can't help it, this is just me haha.

CrymsenRose~

A fast update?

Okay so there is still a 10 day gap between my last update and this.

Anyway you know the drill, hey everyone who's actually reading this, my lovely silent readers.

Well life has been throwing me stress, stress, and a little frustration.

Firstly, I haven't been accepted to university, not my first choice and not even the one I had the grades for over some stupid stipulation. It's the 28th and they still won't take me, clearly I'm not supposed to go anywhere. All the same I was told to call back on Friday so I will, that's the last shot for Uni this year.

Next was trying to decide what to do if I couldn't get to uni, what I want to do and what I can afford to do. I think I've finally come up with a workable stand by but I can't apply until I call back on Friday, because I can't afford to get tied into my back up plan if I want to go to uni, as it'll cost more money.

So I have to chill and wait for Friday, then hurry up and get everything in place, it's cutting it fine as it is, having to get packed and prepared to go in just over a week if I do get accepted to University, they really aren't that nice to prospective students, but what can I do? I wanna go to Uni and I wanna go to Japan. Wish me luck.

Okay now onto a slightly different topic, I apologise for always ranting and complaining but if you don't like it don't read it. I'm sticking it all here because at least I'm not keeping it to myself, and I can pretend no one knows, even if people do read it.

Anyway as I was saying, the source of my Frustration that isn't university or exam related. I have a friend, normally we can talk, normally there isn't any issue, occasionally he doesn't get on until ungodly hours [for me, stupid time zones] However I haven't spoken to him since April and it's driving me mad x.x I miss him, even if we can't make conversation it's nice to have tried, and you wouldn't believe how happy it makes me when he starts talking to me instead of me starting the conversation. It makes me feel like he wants to talk to me, and not like I might be bothering him.

I sent him a personal message on the forum we both go on, he's been online. But he hasn't answered my PM. I don't know if he simply hasn't seen it or what, but it's at the point where I'm paranoid enough to believe he's avoiding me and that sucks, and it makes me mad, because I don't know. I've tried reaching him on AIM too, but still nothing. It's crazy to get irritated like this, but I want to talk to him. And I seriously hate it when I keep losing my friends and I have no idea what the hell I might have done wrong. Every time it's almost clearly my fault and yet, I don't know what I've done wrong to make them hate me. I've been friends with guy for a while, it's gonna suck a whole lot if he really is avoiding me.

Hey not like you're reading this but Bakura get your ass on AIM! Kay?!

Sorry I felt like I needed to add that, just in case.

Anyway that's enough ranting for me, I'll update next time something big happens, or Kura replies or if I get in on Friday. Thanks for listening guys.

CrymsenRose~

Feeling Pretty Blue

Hey, it's been about two months? I think.

Well I got my results not too long ago [the 16th], they weren't good. Worse than January.

In my defence I've been sick since last June[ish] Anaemic, and I was only put on medication in March [I think might have been later] That explains why I struggled so much with my coursework. I mean I've been worn out since about third week of September.

Anyway, I finally got my reply from the uni of my choice, rejected. Which sucks. Of course, I should have realised it was a pointless thing to even think I might get in with my horrible results, so now it's on to the next plan. Do I keep trying to find a uni using clearing, do I go back to uni or do I just give up?

If I could churn out a book I'd feel a little better, but I've not even been  able to keep up with my writing, so it looks pretty bad right now.

I know I want to go to uni, go to Japan, etc. But realistically maybe I'm not cut out for it. Maybe I really do suck at school and I should give up on it, not that I know what I'd do instead.

Anyway, that's it for this update.

CrymsenRose signing off~

Wow another update!!

Haha Hey again! This would be at least thirty times cooler is someone read this as I updated it haha. Maybe I should advertise it? It probably wouldn't work people'd forget instantly.

Anyway!! Thought I'd talk about myself again, [well that's what a blog is for right?] I said I really wanted to go to uni didn't I? Well... I'm seriously doubting myself again! I mean it's natural I'd doubt myself, I'm not THAT clever and I suck at revising, I get distracted so easily. Plus I'm sure I've failed ICT already. If I get in it's a miracle.

I'm trying! Really, I really am trying to do my best, but I can't help it... I just get de-motivated so easily. I mean all I have to do is think logically and bam I know I've failed and I have no shot and I'll never amount to anything!! I'm even struggling to write my book despite the fact I know what I want to go in it, I know how it'll start and how it'll end but it's just filling in the rest to make up enough content for a book that's the hard bit.

I'm sure you can guess as much since I'm writing all this to a blog which no one reads, but I can't tell my friends/family this. I think they'll just not get it I guess. I mean sure they can say all they want "You'll do fine!" or "I'm sure you're worried about nothing, you've passed." or "It's fine to take as long as you need, there's no rush."

Of course there's a rush!! I want to go to uni! I want to do well! I want to be able to think "Gee aren't I clever!" Cos I can't, not really. So yeah. I thought maybe I had the motivation this year, but the more I think about it, the more I think, maybe I shouldn't do Japanese, maybe I shouldn't go to England, Maybe I shouldn't go to Uni with Clair, Maybe I shouldn't go to Japan. Maybe this is all just a sign saying "Give up, You suck, so don't bother trying." It's stupid right? But I can't not think like that! Guess that makes me really stupid, haha.

Aaand that's enough of me x.x

Signing off
CrymsenRose~!

Bet you thought I forgot about this!

Hahaha, who am I kidding, there's no one here to think I forgot. Anyway, as always this is mostly just for me, but it'd be cool if someone was reading this! Although a little embarrassing? Although I know, I know, if I don't want people to know then I shouldn't post it online, I know that, I'm not an idiot, but maybe I need to have someone read this? Haha.

Anyway where to start... Well Jan exams were bad, I got a C in my AS sociology and a U in A2. I also did worse in my History exam [I think] ICT... We'll just forget about it alright? I barely got any coursework in on time. The exams were reasonable though. Resat all my exams, and I'm sitting my two A2 Sociology exams in the next couple of weeks! Wish me luck!!

I have a goal now? Well sorta, I guess part of me doesn't see it coming true, I mean how do I have faith in it if no one else will cheer me on? Well that's not true I have a couple of people cheering, just not the people I need. I'm planning to go to University next year, to do Japanese Studies and History, my third year is in Japan so I'm hoping Uni life is good to me and I come out of my shell enough to survive Japan! I have concerts and shopping I really want to do when I'm there, I'll probably wind up broke or something haha But anyway that's my goal! Japan!!

So wish me luck all my non-existing readers!! I'm still busy writing away though, I'm looking forwards to summer so I can focus on Video Games and Writing with knowing I have something more important to do haha.

Ah on a little sadder side? I feel like I'm missing out a little going to uni this year, I just started to get used to my Japanese Class! There's a guy who I enjoy talking to about Video Games, but my lack of social skills [Being Shy] means I barely spoke to most of my classmates this year, but I think maybe they like me a little more now at the end of the year? My mum baked a cake for them, haha. I'll miss Yasako-Sensei too, she was great! I don't know how next year will turn out, but I'm hoping for the best! Hey Ox Brookes! Take pity on me, I just suck at Irish History and Coursework, give me something I like and I'll be great I promise!! Just please accept me.

Haha, no idea why I added that, but it's true. Probably.

I guess that's it for today. My first update in months and it's short. That's a little surprising.

Signing off until next time
CrymsenRose~!

Happy New Year!

Okay well it's a bit late to say that now but whatever it's not like anyone but me reads it anyway. Well here we are already a month into the year 2012. Where to start...

Firstly, our car broke down which really sucks, as now we've had to shell out for a new one. I've also finished the first set of my exams. AS Sociology went fairly well, but I'll be resitting the other two no doubt. Then on Monday it was my birthday, which was... Poor as birthdays go. I didn't have a party as I don't have enough friends in the area, and my best friend is back uni, I requested one item for my birthday and it seems like I won't even be able to get that, which is really a pain as I had told my parents back in October about it asking them to pre-order it... And guess what they waited until December to do...

So I got three presents this year, only one which I had particularly wanted [the other two were bought cos I liked them and my parents said I had to have something to open on the day] I should have just asked for Manga and Shelled out for FF13-2 myself.

Now I'm sat here on the 2nd [day before FF13-2's release] knowing it's not coming tomorrow, and that I have coursework due for tomorrow that I just can't work up the strength to tackle.

Hopefully I'll have a more cheerful update next time.

CrymsenRose~