Hey,
it's been a while since my last update, back in November, lots of time has past and I can't say anything is getting much better. At All.
Okay where to start... School first, well exams are over with and I think I might have done better in History this time Thank goodness, and my English Coursework has been done for a few weeks now, although my teacher never went through it with me [like she did with everyone else] nor did she hand it back to change, so feeling a little worried about that, but I'm keeping calm. I'm pretty sure she'd tell me if it sucked horribly. Exam results are back on Thursday but I didn't feel like holding this off a couple of more days, or my best friend might get an earful when she finally gets her butt online. [more on that later]. Continuing about tech/school [w/e you want to call it]. I went through two courses one recommended, the other I had to do. The first was supposed to improve motivation and confidence, which was going fine for a few days then that went back down the tube, I should be working on somethings alone and I will once I get my ass into gear. Both courses were 9am-2pm the first was Tue-Thur and the second was a Mon-Fri. Unfortunately what I discovered from both of those courses was, I totally was not fit for a 9am-2pm day, and spent the time I wasn't in class sleeping on the sofa after falling asleep watching TV, followed by generally early nights. So if that doesn't get sorted, I'm starting to doubt managing University, which sucks. a lot.
Next topic... Best friend, right firstly she came home at Christmas and I didn't see her. Seriously. Not her fault, and I don't blame her, but that doesn't make me any less pissed about it. Next we had planned to go to a concert which should have been last Saturday. First problem we had - Concert got cancelled, nothing any of us could do, but we had then promised to meet up anyway, and have fun in London [remember I live across the sea in N.I.] I had finally been able to get psyched for going on the couch over night on my own, and BAM best friend has no money to go to London. We're not meeting up until Easter. If I don't see her over Easter, there will be hell to pay x.x;
So my best friend is basically out of commission until she's off for Easter, due to her heavy work load and not replying to me when I text or message her [if you're reading this, I seriously apologise for acting stupidly clingy and sending way to many texts and messages, but if you replied once I'd stop.] So I've had basically no one to talk to, I mean every now and then I get lucky and someone is on, but I feel bad ranting to them so I don't bother I just talk a little then frown and stare at my laptop.
Okay finally on the main topic, the part I'm most frustrated about at the moment. It started with the first 9am-2pm course I took, the teacher for it suggested I found a Japanese friend to practice my Japanese with, [she originally suggest I ask the college if they had any Japanese students and to tell me where they were... Because that's totally not weird.] anyway I told my best friend and we decided to go online and hunt for some Japanese pen-pals and I stumbled across a website I liked and I looked through various ads. Finally finding one that wasn't overly creepy [some of them were REALLY bad xD] he had his facebook address attached but I read through his ad first [naturally] and he seemed really cool, he was only a few years older then me so I figured it probably wouldn't be too scary or nerve-racking. Then I looked at his Facebook account and I'm sorry to say that sold it. This guy was seriously good looking. I really hate having to say this, but I probably feel in love with his appearance, I mean I liked what I knew about him from the ad! But damn, this guy was hot. Anyway it took me about a week to finally build up my courage [I'm a shy person I can't help it] to send him a message using the website [thanks to the help of my best friend] Anyway I never heard back. At all. And so I sat wondering if I should message him on fb and add him as a friend, like it said to do on the ad [he said he was on there more] anyway I decided to just sit back and wait, and wait for a reply, which never came. Finally I got some courage and started to think about adding him on fb, I was waiting for my Best Friend to get online to cheer me on like last time, but that didn't happen. Until over the weekend I finally decided to, with my best friend texting me telling me to do it. So I did. When I woke up the next morning he had accepted my friend request, [but apparently hadn't even seen the message, according to facebook at least] So since I was up early for class, and now super hyper and excited because he had accepted it, I mean the butterflies literally lasted all day, I sat up glued to my phone looking through his facebook posts wanting to learn more about the guy I had a crush on.
Yeah, turns out he had a lot of friends who are girls, I'm pretty sure at least half of his friend's list is my competition and I don't stand a chance. The worst part is I can really feel myself getting overly bitchy in my head, I watched and episode of Rizzoli and Isles the other day with a woman who strongly believed the victim stole her boyfriend and she wasn't even going out with him, I'm totally having moments when I think "oh my god I'm that woman for Rizzoli and Isles, damn I need to get my head together!" It's not that bad yet, but I fear for the worst. [note she didn't kill the victim she just stole the cake... yeah she's a little crazy]
Anyway, after reading his posts [and trying not to look at the mass of topless photos he has T__T] I pretty much even more cemented the fact that I like him, or at least I probably do, let's not question it right now or it's really going to make me go loco.
My biggest issue right now is the message he didn't read, it told him I added him after reading his ad and replying to it. I replied to it in way that wanted him to reply back, so I kind of expected something back. So he hasn't directly spoken to me yet, which is affecting my paranoia, and now I'm pretty sure he'll never actually message me. I don't want to message him since I'm pretty much terrified of what'll happen, like maybe he'll hate me, and maybe he'll just ignore it, forever. So yeah, I'm in love with a guy who barely knows I exist. Fantastic. Another lovely romance to add to my list. Seriously why does this keep happening? I'd much, much rather it if I just liked guys who liked me. First Dante, then Alex, then Bakura [I'm not even sure about this but he's added for that reason], then Adam [I didn't bring this up yet x.x;] and now Ayu. Seriously, can we just stop this already? I'm getting real tired of falling in love with guys who I don't know offline and my offline friends falling in love with me then having our friendship killed.
FYI, Adam is an offline friend I've known for a long time, he was like twelve when we first met, he's about four years younger than me [roughly], anyway between sending Ayu a message via the website to deciding to send one on FB, he confessed to me. I don't have romantic feelings for him, and I guess Ayu kinda sorta helped me tell him I wasn't interested in him that way.
Right I'm off to mope and drink my coffee before getting some sleep and seeing if I can catch Ayu online. [I'm that desperate x.x;] I will make a quick update on Thursday when I get my results.
CrymsenRose~
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