Last Post of the Year... Probably

I don't update too often so it's probably safe to assume I won't post again until the new year. Hey again to whoever is reading this, as usual I know it's probably no one but whatever, I'm not writing this to make people listen to me, I'm doing it for myself because seeing my thoughts is easier then thinking them.

This is probably my last week to myself until about the 26th of January, I have exams to revise for, totally not looking forwards to it.

Anyway, Christmas is just behind us now, I got my GACKT and BEAST CDs but no D'espairsRay one much to my dismay, but I'm happy with what I have. I got a couple of tops and chocolate, jewellery and my LoZ 3DS which I partly paid for. I got a new phone prior to Christmas [as my old one was supposed to go to my little brother but we're still having difficulties.]

Since about two years ago, Christmas hasn't really been a time that I've enjoyed, it's not his fault and I wouldn't dream of blaming him, but I haven't enjoyed Christmas since breaking up with my ex... It wasn't exactly as straight forwards as it should have been. [Does that make me sound bad? Probably... I suppose break ups aren't easy I just don't understand why this was like that though... Again I sound horrible x.x]

This year I've been better though... It all stemmed from Summer of 2010. Well just before it really. I think I probably changed as a person... Probably, I can't say I can really tell myself. That was when that "Him" from a blog post back in November. I don't think I've been the same person since I moved but it certainly got worse after "Him" not that it was his fault, probably. Well I'm not blaming him at least.

Anyway after that time, and I lost touch with him, I spent a long time thinking about him and how I felt, trying desperately to understand what I felt about him, wondering if I should have told him. Anyway I met my ex in the September following. He didn't actually recognise me despite the fact we were sort of on first name terms and had met several times. I knew his name anyway, few people knew my first name where we met. [A Gaming Club, I usually don't have my name mentioned or get asked for it etc.] Anyway after my brother mentioned to him I was in his class he suddenly started talking to me, [If you ask me that sounds like he just couldn't not talk to me as he already said he knew I was in the class.] Anyway he was dating a girl in the class and we spoke a bit sometimes, I added him on Facebook, and that was it. It might have been November or it was probably the start of December... He was ill and all I did was say "I hope you feel better soon." Simple enough right? I'm pretty sure normal people say that to their friends all the time. Anyway after this he was totally interested, he talked to me loads and wanted to know about me. I didn't mind since it's conversation right? I'm not exactly good with people so I'll take a conversation when I can get one.

He told me after I had said to feel better soon, that no one had EVER said that to him. Not his parents, his siblings or his girlfriend. [Colour me shocked!] anyway after a little bit he broke up with his Girlfriend. We continued to talk a lot then, he asked me out.

This was when I made the mistake of saying yes. Think about it, A lonely girl who's pining for someone who probably doesn't exist, who is never looked at like she's girl friend material. What did you think I'd do? I spent most of the day considering it, I was excited but nervous. But it was just so hard to say no, it didn't help my friend coached me into it. I thought I liked him. So we started "dating". We went shopping not long after we started dating, he came to my place twice to watch movies [one day he spent half of it watching my play the Xbox360] I told him he couldn't come one as I wanted to play Eternal Sonata. And he went to my Church Christingle. That was it. We didn't kiss, we did hug. My best friend coached me to kiss him, he did want to kiss me, but I couldn't.

We broke up after about 3 weeks maybe? Just after christmas, I know you think it's cruel but I broke up with him over msn. But it wasn't a "Your Dumped." or whatever, it was an elaborate 2 paragraphs. Telling him I'm sorry and explaining my reasoning. We had met up earlier and I just realised. I didn't love him, it was a sudden understanding and I just knew it. When I broke up, I was being asked, and asked about when we'd next meet up... I wasn't sure what to do, I was really worried... I didn't know how to break up, this is my first Boyfriend after all. And eventually it was too much and MSN was the only way. After I realised and new with every fibre of my being that I had done the right thing, and he seemed to take it well...

About half an hour later, cue depressed personal messages and Display names. I spent all night on two occasions talking him out of suicide. I'm not sure how many Ex Girlfriends or Ex Boyfriends have done that. I'm not sure if it was the right thing. But that's what I did. I was so angry at him though saying things like he knew me so well, that we were perfect together... I think any one who read this can say that I wasn't good for him, I'm probably a horrible girlfriend for anyone. I'm not proud, but that is who I am. I wish I hadn't said yes, but I don't regret breaking up with him. I know we weren't good for each other.

But I haven't enjoyed Christmas since... It's not his fault, obviously it's mine. I was an idiot for believing a relationship would make me forget about "Him".

I had made this man into something I desired, I think I'm probably in love with someone who isn't real, people probably don't understand how hard that is, I know my ex didn't and several others too. I don't think anyone fully understand how I felt when he left. The man I fell in love with could easily have been a fine lie spun by a clever man, he was indeed a cleaver man, he understood people... Perhaps he understood me and became that which I sought? I'm not sure, I probably won't ever know. I'm pretty sure I heard once that you'll only have on encounter with a soul mate, maybe he was mine after all? That would mean I missed out right? Or another thing I've heard is that soul mates would keep meeting... So maybe if he is I'll have another shot?

It's funny... A few weeks ago, actually back in Summer... I was really beginning to think I was finally over him, I used to read his messages and cry but this year, I smiled... Now here I am listening to Gackt, and feeling like I want to cry... And when I was going to tell you about him and about how I was over him, I think we all just realised I'm probably not...

Ah about the Gackt thing, my friend once told me not to listen to him because of this but. One of the last times I spoke to "Him" he asked if I listened to Gackt. So I guess I relate this to him...

Anyway, that's it for this year! Hopefully there will be no sad posts next year!! Maybe that'll be my new years resolution? It's probably a bad idea, I'll break it too quickly.
Talk to you next year!
CrymsenRose~

To all it may concern,

By now, I'm aware no one cares about this silly little blog, but I still like writing in it, as it's pretty fun actually. The world should be glad I don't write everything here though, haha. Still I do enjoy writing here.

Time for an update... Where to start, well firstly NaNoWriMo was an utter failure, I barely wrote during November at all. I did manage to finish my first chapter a few weeks ago which was nice I guess.

Ah after a minor blip with my friend we are now regularly talking! After I made my last blog post he actually stopped being online again but he's more frequently online, I just need to build up enough stamina to stay up to talk to him, haha.

Next... It's December! Which means good things and also bad things.

Good; My Best friend is coming back from England <3 Yay~ Also Christmas is always good, I'm hoping my D'espairsRay and Gackt CD are coming <3 But I'm not sure if I'm getting them... My mum told me she bought 2 of them and I asked for 3 different CDs... So I'd prefer those two, but BEAST is always good. So I'll be happy either way.
Bad; Exams, Exams, and Exams also no Japanese x.x I have 3 exams coming up in January, one is the day after I get back and the other two are within a week of each other. Plus there's no Japanese class until after Christmas, which is kind of sad as I'll still be in tech until the 23rd.

Speaking of Japanese, last week I realised how much more fun it is when you have someone to talk to during it... Problem is I probably won't get another chance to talk to someone in that class! I'm far too antisocial to approach people. x.x I just sit on a row of my own... How sad.

I'm running out of things to talk about, maybe I'll be surprising and update this later tonight or w/e when I have more to say~ Plus I'm going to look up TSUKASA and Zero's new band, I'm hoping it's as good as I expect it to be! shame that it's lacking HIZUMI though x.x Anyway got to run~ I have to do my paper round before it gets any colder and darker outside.

Talk to you again soon~
CrymsonRose~!

So much for keeping it cheerful...

Yeah I know I swore that I wouldn't...  but let's just try to be not depressing? Just not also happy... Yeah that's probably about right. I'll start with the good and work my way down to the bad?

Well for starters I'm planning on entering NaNoWriMo which means I should really be more concerned with how depressing Euria's life is and not mine... I will totally give it my all and hopefully I'll have a novel by the end of the month. If I'm lucky.

I'm sure I had happier news to say but I can't really remember. [I apologise for writing as if I'm talking it's what I do sometimes.] I suppose some happier news is I've been trying to talk to a friend for a while, on Forums. I PMd him ages ago but never heard back from him. But eventually he did reply and only commented on a couple of the things I mentioned in my PM. Even still I had asked him to tell me his AIM name and he did... But he was never even online. ~Siiiighs~

Anyway this had been bothering me for ages, but then he was coming online... At 5am in the morning for me [which I was totally not waiting up for!] But I suppose that's when it really started... Paranoia I guess, I wouldn't be angry if anyone called me paranoid cos I probably am. Anyway, I had this friend a while back, well two years ago, he used to Roleplay with me at night as he's American and couldn't get on when it was early for me, still it was fun. Then we just started talking, it was really great and I fell for him... Then he started to only come online at 5am [for me] and then he started only sending me one PM a day, even if we were both online at the same time, if he'd already sent a PM he didn't send another till the following day. I woke up to find his account deleted after a week of not hearing from him at all. So that would be one of the starts to this "Paranoia" so this friend of mine...

The new one, not the one from 2 years ago. I was scared I guess, I mean we barely talk anyway so I assume he probably didn't care that much, but still I really enjoyed talking with him when we did talk. The lack of being able to reach him made me fear I was losing him too.

However, yesterday I got to talk to him. I was really, really, really happy. I had been up watching TV with my mum until late but my laptop was still on, so I came back around 1am and finished off what I was doing and boy did I get shock when he messaged me a little after 2! He NEVER messaged me first! EVER. I really was so surprised but so happy to talk to him... Except it would seem it wasn't just him that came back, I felt a flood of emotions that I haven't really felt and now I'm at a loss.

My mind is playing tricks on me and I know it, but it doesn't help. These feelings... I just want to talk to him, once we start my whole day is better, I can't stop smiling, I'm giggling... I had all these feelings and reactions when I used to talk to "Him". I'm pretty sure I don't like this guy the way I liked "Him" but my mind is trying to tell me other wise x.x

This is CrymsenRose Signing off.

Typical Days

Hey whoever is reading this, nice to meetcha if it's the first time or welcome back to people who found my first post when I made it.

I thought I'd make a bit of an update pretty much summing up how boring everything is [but it'll probably be a huge post anyway... Go figure.]

Starting with Tech. I was all eager and optimistic when I made my first post, since I'm pretty good at IT and my best friend got an A in Sociology. Well now that the course has started I can happily say, I'm not as eager anymore... at least not for IT. Plus I didn't mention it before [I think], I've had to struggle for funding to actually do the course, but the first place has already agreed to giving me a maintenance loan and I'm just waiting on finding out if my exam costs and course costs are going to be covered by another funding program. [So many forms to fill out -___-;]

Anyway starting with Sociology, A2 is pretty cool my teacher is nice and the class isn't too much of a pain so that makes the subject a lot easier to cope with. Don't have any "Friends" in class yet but I've got a couple of acquaintances now. We're currently looking at Mass Media which is a pretty interesting topic.

Next moving on to AS Sociology. Where our teacher is a little hyper and my class is pretty cool. I've been sat with a girl most of the time but there are two boys who sit near us and we all team up for group work, but now the desks are set out in fours so the four of us sit at one desk.

IT AS... Well, one class is alright, I like the teacher. The other two... -___-; Monday's class is all stuff I know how to do which makes it feel pretty pointless, it's not even revision as it's really not something you tend to forget. Thursday's class is just plain boring, and the teacher doesn't help. Last week I almost fell asleep. Friday's I have the better teacher but her topic is a little more complicated [mostly as we have to go find 3 documents from different businesses >_<]

IT A2; Monday's class is a lot of fun but I don't really like my class, well I don't hate them either. We're split into groups and I'm stuck with 3 people who already know each other so I feel like a total 3rd wheel. Plus I'm not great with teamwork as I'm not that social and so I make very few comments >_< Tuesday's class is with a good teacher but the subject is rather dry. It's better than AS IT on Thursdays though. Then on Friday we have the same teacher as on Tuesday but we do web design which is a lot more fun, even if it'll be a while before we actually make the website.

That covers tech... Next I bought myself a new laptop as my old one has a crack in the screen which is really quite problematic. I'm also eagerly awaiting the release of Persona 2 for PSP, as I love the persona series and psp is my favourite console.

On another side note, my best friend has gone to uni now... [You know who you are...] Which has left me missing her quite a lot.

That's all I can think of at the moment...

Introducing Me...

Oh boy where to start! I'm totally not up for something like this but it's a fun idea and I wanna give it a go...
Of course I'm sure most people who do read this already know me... Although it'd be cool if people who didn't read this to!


Right... Before I do anything else! I hearby swear that I will do my best to not be totally depressing in this -___-; I'm depressing in any other blog I attempt so let's try to keep this one happier! Which means not going into many details about me.

Riight so now to start... No idea what I'll put up here, could be anything from my daily life to me ranting about tech I guess... That's the usual right? I'm a music fan and Love to sing along with music even if I can't sing. I don't mind forcing people to hear it if I happen to like the song that's playing... Of course it's not often you'll actually hear me sing, that's reserved from laptop time and whenever I'm in the car.

Oh hey! I can keep updates about my progress with driving when I start... which may only last a lesson... who knows! To be honest I'm terrified at driving, but I'm worried about being stuck with no way home, hey it also means I can be the designated driver if my friends want to drink.

I'm a big fan of other cultures especially the Japanese, and I'm working on a series of novels which I hope to base in Japan. One series will be still haven't made up my mind about the second, speaking of my novels, the URL for my blog is for 2 of my characters Garden [Aren] and Mazin. I love manga and Anime and I'm an Avid Video Gamer <3 I have 1-9 [except 3] Final Fantasy games on my psp. And a copy of FF 3 on my DS. Final Fantasy being my absolute favourite series <3 Don't ask me to pick a favourite game though. I have an interest in travel, mostly because I love beautiful landscapes. I imagine that my home in the future will have loads of pictures of cityscapes as those are my favourites.

Just as something I want to spread~ My Favourite band is D'espairsRay, if you don't mind heavy music and a bit of yelling and of course japanese singers <3 Check it out! They're pretty amazing.

Oh boy I'm totally dragging this out aren't I? Well that's just me, luckily I don't talk like this... Often.

Hmm... Lemme think was there anything else I should add? Ah, well I suppose I should tell you what you can call me? Yeah that'd work. Anything like Crym, Rose, Skye that sort of thing is fine, hey new nicknames are always appreciated!
Well I could keep going but I prolly shouldn't so I'll leave it at this~

Other places you can find me are;
Gaiaonline - Alisu_in_WonderLand
Deviantart - Chazzs-Girl
PKMN.net - DA| Your Knight in Shining Armour
MangaFox - Suruchuu

This is CrymRose! Over and Out!