Last Post of the Year... Probably

I don't update too often so it's probably safe to assume I won't post again until the new year. Hey again to whoever is reading this, as usual I know it's probably no one but whatever, I'm not writing this to make people listen to me, I'm doing it for myself because seeing my thoughts is easier then thinking them.

This is probably my last week to myself until about the 26th of January, I have exams to revise for, totally not looking forwards to it.

Anyway, Christmas is just behind us now, I got my GACKT and BEAST CDs but no D'espairsRay one much to my dismay, but I'm happy with what I have. I got a couple of tops and chocolate, jewellery and my LoZ 3DS which I partly paid for. I got a new phone prior to Christmas [as my old one was supposed to go to my little brother but we're still having difficulties.]

Since about two years ago, Christmas hasn't really been a time that I've enjoyed, it's not his fault and I wouldn't dream of blaming him, but I haven't enjoyed Christmas since breaking up with my ex... It wasn't exactly as straight forwards as it should have been. [Does that make me sound bad? Probably... I suppose break ups aren't easy I just don't understand why this was like that though... Again I sound horrible x.x]

This year I've been better though... It all stemmed from Summer of 2010. Well just before it really. I think I probably changed as a person... Probably, I can't say I can really tell myself. That was when that "Him" from a blog post back in November. I don't think I've been the same person since I moved but it certainly got worse after "Him" not that it was his fault, probably. Well I'm not blaming him at least.

Anyway after that time, and I lost touch with him, I spent a long time thinking about him and how I felt, trying desperately to understand what I felt about him, wondering if I should have told him. Anyway I met my ex in the September following. He didn't actually recognise me despite the fact we were sort of on first name terms and had met several times. I knew his name anyway, few people knew my first name where we met. [A Gaming Club, I usually don't have my name mentioned or get asked for it etc.] Anyway after my brother mentioned to him I was in his class he suddenly started talking to me, [If you ask me that sounds like he just couldn't not talk to me as he already said he knew I was in the class.] Anyway he was dating a girl in the class and we spoke a bit sometimes, I added him on Facebook, and that was it. It might have been November or it was probably the start of December... He was ill and all I did was say "I hope you feel better soon." Simple enough right? I'm pretty sure normal people say that to their friends all the time. Anyway after this he was totally interested, he talked to me loads and wanted to know about me. I didn't mind since it's conversation right? I'm not exactly good with people so I'll take a conversation when I can get one.

He told me after I had said to feel better soon, that no one had EVER said that to him. Not his parents, his siblings or his girlfriend. [Colour me shocked!] anyway after a little bit he broke up with his Girlfriend. We continued to talk a lot then, he asked me out.

This was when I made the mistake of saying yes. Think about it, A lonely girl who's pining for someone who probably doesn't exist, who is never looked at like she's girl friend material. What did you think I'd do? I spent most of the day considering it, I was excited but nervous. But it was just so hard to say no, it didn't help my friend coached me into it. I thought I liked him. So we started "dating". We went shopping not long after we started dating, he came to my place twice to watch movies [one day he spent half of it watching my play the Xbox360] I told him he couldn't come one as I wanted to play Eternal Sonata. And he went to my Church Christingle. That was it. We didn't kiss, we did hug. My best friend coached me to kiss him, he did want to kiss me, but I couldn't.

We broke up after about 3 weeks maybe? Just after christmas, I know you think it's cruel but I broke up with him over msn. But it wasn't a "Your Dumped." or whatever, it was an elaborate 2 paragraphs. Telling him I'm sorry and explaining my reasoning. We had met up earlier and I just realised. I didn't love him, it was a sudden understanding and I just knew it. When I broke up, I was being asked, and asked about when we'd next meet up... I wasn't sure what to do, I was really worried... I didn't know how to break up, this is my first Boyfriend after all. And eventually it was too much and MSN was the only way. After I realised and new with every fibre of my being that I had done the right thing, and he seemed to take it well...

About half an hour later, cue depressed personal messages and Display names. I spent all night on two occasions talking him out of suicide. I'm not sure how many Ex Girlfriends or Ex Boyfriends have done that. I'm not sure if it was the right thing. But that's what I did. I was so angry at him though saying things like he knew me so well, that we were perfect together... I think any one who read this can say that I wasn't good for him, I'm probably a horrible girlfriend for anyone. I'm not proud, but that is who I am. I wish I hadn't said yes, but I don't regret breaking up with him. I know we weren't good for each other.

But I haven't enjoyed Christmas since... It's not his fault, obviously it's mine. I was an idiot for believing a relationship would make me forget about "Him".

I had made this man into something I desired, I think I'm probably in love with someone who isn't real, people probably don't understand how hard that is, I know my ex didn't and several others too. I don't think anyone fully understand how I felt when he left. The man I fell in love with could easily have been a fine lie spun by a clever man, he was indeed a cleaver man, he understood people... Perhaps he understood me and became that which I sought? I'm not sure, I probably won't ever know. I'm pretty sure I heard once that you'll only have on encounter with a soul mate, maybe he was mine after all? That would mean I missed out right? Or another thing I've heard is that soul mates would keep meeting... So maybe if he is I'll have another shot?

It's funny... A few weeks ago, actually back in Summer... I was really beginning to think I was finally over him, I used to read his messages and cry but this year, I smiled... Now here I am listening to Gackt, and feeling like I want to cry... And when I was going to tell you about him and about how I was over him, I think we all just realised I'm probably not...

Ah about the Gackt thing, my friend once told me not to listen to him because of this but. One of the last times I spoke to "Him" he asked if I listened to Gackt. So I guess I relate this to him...

Anyway, that's it for this year! Hopefully there will be no sad posts next year!! Maybe that'll be my new years resolution? It's probably a bad idea, I'll break it too quickly.
Talk to you next year!
CrymsenRose~